the journey of an eating disorder

Thats how I feel today. I binged like crazy yesterday and that combined with the st patricks day alcohol fest is not the formula for feeling anything other than gross. 

I didn't weigh myself this morning....I am going to weigh in tomorrow and get the sad sad news then. I hate to say it but I think I am ready to go back into restriction mode...I don't see any other way. I am not drinking for a long time, thats for sure. I have enough trouble with food without having to deal with triggers that make a binge come on even more. 

I am going home for the weekend on Thursday, talk about having to ward off food. I am going to have to though because I can't take feeling like I feel after binging anymore.

Until next time...xoxo

Yeah, it happened....the hangover binge...wonderful. 

there goes my progress, starting back over. I hate food.

So I survived St Pattys Day barely....I drank way too much and am not going to drink for a loooooong time to come....its not worth it when it makes you feel like shit in the morning and plus its such a huge binge trigger for me anyways....

I know I am going to binge today but I am going to try to keep it to overeating but not get to the compulsive level...cause that will make me feel like shit more....I know overeating is a part of my hangover process and I am going to try to curb it but my main thing is to not binge altogether because I can only fight one battle at a time and thats the biggest one for me....

until next time xoxo

So this morning I am getting ready to go out for St Patricks Day with the girls...The scale this morning put me down another pound which kicks ass and is the lowest I have been in awhile...anther 2 pounds and I will be down the farthest I have been in months...I just hope today goes well with the drinking and the trying to not binge...I never drink or go out anymore and I want to have fun but the calories are always running through my head and being hungover is a huge trigger for me to binge, always has been. I just have to try to make it so I am not too hungover and try to ward off any binging I might want to do because I feel that I have more or less been making some good progress lately and I don't want to ruin it...It seems this scenario happens with me often, something always comes up to threaten the progress I have made, I just have to try to have fun and leave the eating disorder shit behind if even for a day....easier said than done though...wish me luck..until next time...xoxo

Getting ready for work, so happy its Friday...so I get on the scale this morning and it is back down the weight I gained yesterday plus another .2 which is enough to make me happy for now....even though it confuses me as to how many calories to consume because I have been eating around 2,000 the last two days and I have no idea how I ate that much and gained then lost...weird...I hate weight. 
Tomorrow is St Patricks Day outing time....and of course I have some anxiety about the drinking aspect because of the calories and the possible binging afterwards but I am going to try my hardest to enjoy myself and not binge afterwards. It sucks not to be able to enjoy things like this without worrying about calories and binging but this is the card I was dealt in life so I have to play it to the best of my ability....blah!!! Until next time...xoxoxo

Yeah I am back in fat mode...I knew it was too good to be true....I got on the scale this morning and saw I gained a pound and a half and I of course came home and ate....my total for the day is probably around 2,000-2,200 calories...fat ass!!!!! I know one day I am going to have to stop this binge/starve thing but I am so attached to it that I don't know how to live without dieting....I don't know how to eat 2,000 calories or whatever a day and be ok with that.....I love the idea of eating 1,000 calories a day, I love restricting...but it always leads to binging..and I know I have to get to the point where I just let myself eat a normal amount of calories and get off the binge/starve cycle but it seems impossible...and logically it should be so easy, just eat normally and exercise normally.....but even the thought of leaving my weight up to the routine of normalcy gives me anxiety...even though for years all I have done is go up and down and struggle....I just want to lose 20 pounds, I think everything would seem better if I was 20 pounds thinner, I would feel better in my own skin...cause right now I feel constantly uncomfortable...like there is a thinner person inside of this fat suit....I know I am not destined to be 100 pounds and I know how to starve myself thin but what good is it when the recovery period is pure hell and you gain it all back twice as fast as you lost it? I pray that I find solace, that I find peace, and that I can lose this weight and find a way to live normally. until next time...xoxo

I have a 101 fever and let me just say being sick does wonders for those of us who deal with binging. I hate the way I feel but I love that I am hungry but everytime I think of eating something I am totally turned off by it...the thought of food just makes me want to puke and forgive my disordered mind for saying I wish I could keep that mindset for some time to come...Now logically I know in a few days I will be back to my old self and food will be a total problem again but its funny that being sick is actually a vacation away from being sick over food...crazy if you think about it....

The scale is my friend this week, I have lost 7 pounds due to not binging and now barely eating yesterday...and I have to say I love the scale on days like today....but I know over time its inevitable that the scale will turn into my enemy at some point, isnt that the way it goes? However, for today, I am going to relish in the fact that binging and food is not a priority, not to mention that I have not binged this week at all....Maybe writing has something to do with it, maybe its because I am on a normal wave like I talked about in a previous post, but at any rate I am grateful for it and I hope it can last for a little while because being on a binge wave is so very tough and lonely. 

Until next time....xoxoxo

So its just after dinner and I am sitting here digesting...dinner time is my worst time, as in the time when I want to binge the most...I have gotten into this sick little daily thing of having this nice little eating schedule all day and then coming home from work and everything goes to shit. I eat dinner and then always feel that I ate too much which more often than not leads to a binge...which leads to me feeling like total shit the next morning, and that feeling could possibly lead to another binge at dinner time and so on...its funny that my life has become a daily cycle of food and calories....and to top it off, i always worried about calories and weight loss, but now that I am older and am concerned about my health, not just weight loss (although weight loss will always be my number one priority no matter how much i fuck up my progress)...I now tend to obsess over getting enough protein, enough fiber, blah blah blah blah BLAH. How can one have a tug of war with minimal eating vs. getting enough nutrients vs. losing weight vs. binging....how does one have time for anything else ...just writing about it is stressful and exhausting...so now here i am trying not to binge and trying to break this after dinner cycle...maybe this will be my new ritual...maybe i will write after dinner instead of binging and hating myself. Its funny cause i feel like a spoiled brat, here i am with everything going for me and so much to be thankful for and i can't stop thinking about food and calories....how did life get this way?

Not only did I weigh myself for the first time with my new scale this morning, I also had my period...which to all of us who weigh ourselves and know any damn thing about getting on a scale, know that you don't get on it during your period for fear of the dreaded water retaining showing up as a weight gain. However, I got on anyways...I am a sucker for punishment I guess, but it was more that I had not been on a scale in over a week and I needed to know how much damage I had done to myself, even if it meant getting on during the worst time of the month. I braced myself but in actuality it was not as bad as I thought. Given, the number was still the highest I have ever been but it was not as high as I was anticipating so I felt a little bit of relief even though I know logically I am "starting over again" and trying to lose weight "again". Its funny cause part of me thinks any of us with a compulsive eating issue or any other eating issue like to stay in the journey part of it, because in reality where does the success lie? We are all headed down a path that just keeps going with no end. This is why we go back and forth, have "good" days and "bad" days but in reality if I just ate normally and exercised normally all these years that I have been killing myself trying to lose weight, to get to this magic number where my life will miraculously change and I will finally be able to focus on something other than calories...if I could just live life eating like a normal person, i would probably be much farther in my quest to get to that number....but I'm not there...I am not able to get through the day without counting calories...i need to own a scale or obviously i get anxiety as I did this week....my mind runs through meal plans all the time, over and over...and its weird...its so weird because thats where the problem lies but I still cling to those weird rituals...and logically i know i don't need to count calories, but the disordered me can't get through a day without measuring my food and carefully calculating my calories...usually only to fuck it up by binging and eating thousands of calories, messing up all my effort and sabotaging myself...over and over...its a wonder I have not driven myself crazy, believe me I have come close a few times. Until next time.....
xoxo

So this is my first entry. I have wanted to make a journal about my eating issues for a long time. I will not get into my eating disorder history, I will just say it has been with me since I was in the first grade and I am now in my late twenties, so obviously its been with me for quite some time. During all the many years it has been with me it has taken on many forms....sometimes it was an anorexic form, sometimes a bulimic one, but the primary and most tenacious form is the binge eater form or the compulsive overeater form. I can't remember a time in my life when food and weight were not at the front of my mind. It has been that way since I was a little girl. Now I am not a little girl anymore and food and weight is still at the front of my mind. As I write this I am staring at a brand new scale I just bought a few hours ago...I bought this scale because I threw my old one out earlier this week thinking perhaps my life would be easier if I did not weight myself, if I could not see my weight...maybe this would be a tool in helping me to untangle myself from obsessing about my weight. At the urging of my best friend, I did it and it felt good...for about two seconds. I binged this whole week. The Whole Week. I am getting on the scale tomorrow morning and I can tell right now that my weight will be higher than it has ever been in my life. I have to live with that. I have to live wth my weight being a reflection of my fucked up relationship with food. It gets to me so bad because my body is NOT the body of someone who has gotten lazy, who has "let herself go" or whatever other reason.....my weight is the weight of someone trying to hide the thin girl inside...and i have no idea why...maybe because once i do get to my goal weight i will have to deal with whats really bothering me because any of us with eating disorders know its never about the food, its about the control...i hate that my body is a reflection of an eating disorder, a reflection of someone who can eat a weeks worth of food in record time and does not even have the energy to purge it because punishing myself by keeping it inside is more painful for me than purging it out.....its the body of someone who loves exercise but lately it has only been a form of combating whatever damage i have done by binging, making it nothing more than an eating disorder accessory and not something healthy that should be combat stress, not cause it. I guess I am finally writing because at this point when I get on the scale tomorrow and find out my weight is the highest it has ever been in my life (even higher than when i recovered from a time when i starved myself, until now the lowest point in my weight journey), I am recognizing that my life has become unmanageable and it is due to my eating disorder. I go to work, I am a straight A student in my masters degree program, and I have a wonderful family and friends that I adore....but for everything they give me, I can give them a minimal amount of myself back because I am giving all my time and energy to food, to calories, and to weight. I don't know if this is ever going to end, because to be honest I am losing hope. I am writing to try to get hope back, to try to get me back. 
Until next time. 
xoxo